I've Been Nice to My Family and They Treat Me Badly

I was beingness a neat…

I had only watched a video from Playful Learning chosen Power of Words with my kids, thinking it would exist helpful for them, hopefully help u.s.a. decrease sibling squabbles.  I didn't realize I would become an emotional 2×4 to the head equally I listened to the description of Put Downs.

In an Angry Parenting Heat

For most of the summer I had been doing great on not yelling, on enjoying my kids and having a adept handle on my anger triggers, only afterward some emotional upsets and long days alone with the kids I was operating on a short fuse.

In the video, kids describe both verbal and non-verbal Put Downs.  They talk about how Put Downs make u.s. feel.  It's not like information I don't know, but suddenly I had an "Oh $#!+" moment as I watched the kids demonstrating Put Downs.  I had been in a foul mood for a couple days – really snapping a lot at the kids, speaking harshly and doing more yelling than I care to admit.

I suddenly saw my own yelling at my kids as a bunch of Put Downs.  It struck me hard.

Yelling wasn't effective teaching.  Yelling didn't get my point across, nor did it even make me feel meliorate – it made me feel worse.

I had heard my son describe yelling like "being striking"  earlier.  Here was some other illustration for me to reflect on.  My yelling and bellyaching/angry vocalisation was a big Put Down on my kids, and like most put downs they came from a place of non feeling neat myself. I'd been tired, lonely and a little sad – those were MY emotions, but instead of taking intendance of myself, I had been taking out my emotions on my kids,  bullying them because I felt bad.

The tough part is that sometimes kids are….well, really annoying. and button pushing. and limit testing.  And sometimes life happens – you don't get a intermission, family tragedies unfold, the dryer breaks, the dog pees on the carpet, y'all lose sleep.  Sometimes you get into a nighttime parenting rut, and that's where I was.  I didn't really even desire to connect with my kids. I just wanted a break, but ane wasn't coming soon and my kids however needed me.

They didn't need my Put Downs.

Instead of Yelling – Put Ups for My Kids

I had been putting down my kids with my torso, my vox, my face up.  It made me feel bad, which added to the bad feelings – you lot know.  I needed out of this horrible bicycle.  I decided in those moments when I wanted to snap I would discover a style to remind us of who we all wanted to be instead of harping on the bad behavior – Put Ups instead of yelling.

I was really stressed and needed a visual cue to cut out this Put Downwards behavior in myself, so  I cut out a bunch of bright pink hearts and explained to my kids that I was feeling lamentable lately and having a hard time existence nice and I wanted that to change.  I told them I would give them a heart when I wanted to remind u.s.a. all that nosotros were kind people and we could treat each other with dearest.  I gave them a couple hearts in case they wanted to give them out too.

Using Put Ups to Reset

I got a chance to try this out right away.  At the grocery store my vi year old tried to shove me aside to get onto the cart.  I bristled wanting to bark a 'hey! that Was RUDE! You need to Tedious Down!!' type response, only, that's what he'southward been seeing and it hasn't been working.  He's simply been imitating the rude vocalization.

I took a jiff remembering the hearts and stopped to kneel beside him.

In a calm voice I said "Hey, that was rude, you just pushed me.  I need you to  treat me kindly." I handed him a pink heart (visual cue!)  "I know you lot are kind.  Can you tell me a kind thing you do?"

He idea I wanted to hear something kind about me and said, "Mama, it's kind when you accept u.s.a. to dejeuner at the grocery store."

"Oh, cheers.  And what kind things do you practise?"

"I help my sis get out of her car seat."

"Yes, that's kind.  I honey yous.  Are we ready to shop now?"

And with that we were reset and I had non added more fuel to my acrimony, nor had I added shame to my six year former.  He remembered that he was capable of being kind.

At home I started to flip out about…uhhhh….something I can't even remember (must accept been super important 😉 )….and my oldest waved a pink heart at me, "Mama….remember!!" he said warningly.  Ah, yep, trying to be loving…

Afterward I interrupted an angry pre-dinner flare-up betwixt the boys by giving them both hearts. They didn't want to stop their argument/play and information technology took a while for me to get them each to say something kind, ("Nope, when you have said something kind about yourself and your brother THEN you lot can become play again…") By the fourth dimension they were done, they were happy to head away from the crazy mama giving out hearts and play a fleck more peacefully in their rooms until dinner was fabricated.

Out of the Acrimony Heat

The pink hearts merely lasted a couple days, but it was enough to go usa out of that grumpy resentful infinite.  The physical reminder of how  we wanted to be acting helped me break that yelling cycle and begin a new positive cycle of imitating kindness rather than yelling. It'due south not the perfect exist-all-stop-all solution to yelling, but it's a skilful way to break the wheel.

If you desire to terminate yelling run across these related resources:

• Resources – How to Bargain with Anger
• Learning to Apply a Kind Phonation Even When You Have to Fake Information technology
• What to do when being Mom makes you feel Hateful – Tips from 10 Moms

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Source: https://bouncebackparenting.com/the-day-i-realized-i-was-bullying-my-kids/

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